Rose Parade

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Thursday, September 01, 2005

The storm before the calm

She went into convulsions this morning, 11:30 am PDT. Lasted a minute or so. Sad and frightening and so very, very unfair. I thought she was going to die on the spot. I wonder if this has happened to her before when I wasn't home. After it passed and I unwrapped the towel, she actually stood up on her own. Shakey and hunched over, but that's the way it is now. I wasn't expecting her to get up at all. I took her to bed and petted her for a while and thought about her a lot and cried about her a bit. She actually seemed comforted by the attention. For me, it feels like too little too late. I wish I'd spoiled her like this every day. I didn't go to work and the rest of the day was a lot of her sleeping, except for the part where I decided to make a tuna sandwich and didn't even try to get her to eat. Right before the convulsions started I had tried to get her to eat chicken and she just wasn't interested. Imagine my surprise when she showed up in the kitchen looking for tuna. Not sure how she got off the bed, it couldn't have been pretty. I gave her some tuna and she ate quite a bit, followed by lots of water. I have no illusions that this means she's going to bounce back, but it made me feel better that she can still eat, even if it means watching her wobble feebly around the small apartment. It is a seriously pathetic sight. But maybe eating gives us another day or two and I'll take it. She has seriously wasted away, the gorgeous long coat is a thing of the past, she is so ratty and wasted now it hurts to see. Even worse - I cling to it. If I could buy her a few more years, even in this sorry condition, I would do it, because it would mean she wouldn't be going away forever. But I realize we're not talking years here. We're talking days. She is a furry bag of bones now, all sharp angles, especially those hips. I never knew she had them. The softness is long gone. I think her eyes are sunken because her face looks different, like her cheeks have taken over her face, but she's a cat and that's not how their faces work. Everything has changed. Honestly, I guess I never realized that this day would really come. I'm so not prepared for it.

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